major_kerina (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
major_kerina) wrote2007-02-14 11:11 pm
major_kerina) wrote2007-02-14 11:11 pm
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Mecchen Chapter 14 ^_^
I was a little concerned this chapter and edit went so fast but I'd like think this one really did well with two key character relationships. I really think we're heading for the home stretch. Hope you all enjoy!
Chapter 14 – The Hopes of Mecchen House
Ms. Ishida was the first to rush into the room. I tried to get out an apology for the glass but she had me in her arms before I could say anything. Miki came next, assessed the situation, and went looking for a dust broom.
Ms. Ishida took a couple of first-aid items out of the closet in the corner of the room, led me over to Katsumi’s room, and sat me in a chair. Katsumi was sitting on her bed and didn’t offer anything in way of protest. Ms. Ishida kept hugging me until it felt like she’d squeezed all the tears out.
When they were gone, the embarrassment set in. Ms. Ishida wouldn’t let me apologize though. She just said, “Sit. Collect yourself. Don’t worry about it. I will take care of it.”
She gave me a little kiss on the cheek.
I tried a few breaths then finally said, “Umm…good morning.”
She smiled and said, “Good morning to you.”
I felt a little less shaky. She turned her attention to Nathan and Jamie, “And good morning to you two as well.” She then turned to Katsumi and asked, “You don’t mind if our friends stay in your room a little while to collect themselves, do you Katsumi?”
Katsumi shook her head. She surveyed the three of us. She covered her mouth with a hand. Ms. Ishida gave me a tissue to dry my face and blow my nose. She rubbed my shoulder then went over to Nathan and Jamie. She asked them how they were. Both looked a little shaky but only Nathan accepted a hug from Ms. Ishida. Jamie hugged the wall instead and watched floor.
I balled up my fists in my lap and turned to Katsumi. “I had a dream. I think it could be related.”
Katsumi looked back at me. I noticed she was still wearing a nightgown, it was lavender and soft. She asked, “What happened?” My roommates and Ms. Ishida turned to listen.
I tried to put myself back in the dream and grab hold of the fading details. I pressed those little fists deep into my soft legs. “I was near Nana’s room. The door opened and I saw a vortex in front of me. A voice said, ‘This is all for you. You’re going to be returned to your real home.’ There was a high tone like on the phone at the library when we tried to call home and the voice said, ‘My sister’. It was distorted. There was a figure standing there too. I remember that. It looked just like Nana but something told me it wasn’t Nana. It just felt wrong. Then it faded away as the dream faded. Then I was shaken awake.”
I took a long breath after all that. I turned to Jamie. He was leaning against the wall. His legs crossed a little. He dipped his hair back. The pins were gone. My brain struggled to associate this face with Jamie. It rebelled. It didn’t know this girl.
Ms. Ishida tugged at my arms and rubbed something wet against them. I looked down. She said, “You have a few small scratches. Don’t want them to get infected.” I saw the red spots here and there. They weren’t oozing. They looked like mosquito bites. She dabbed the area, dried it, and put on a couple of bandages. Miki came in with a dust pan. She announced, “I have the glass all cleaned up. Do you need anything else, Ms. Ishida?”
She shook her head. Miki looked eye-to-eye at Nathan. Nathan held his hands in front of him like Ms. Ishida sometimes did. While Jamie was dressed in a fairly-generic tan, two-piece set of jammies; Nathan wore a silken blue number. It fit him well. The sleeves were short and so were the pant legs, which curled close around his thighs and ended at the knee. Nathan seemed to shrink even more under Miki’s gaze.
A quiet moment passed between them. Then Miki asked, “So what happened?”
Nathan looked over at the two of us. Miki’s eyes were on him. He brushed his slender hands together and began, “Well. I umm…I remember. Tara and I had some fun with music and looking through what she’d collected. I felt sleepy. So went to my bedroom and I got clothes to wear for sleep. I took a short bath like last night. It was really quiet. I wondered if I should’ve bathed up on the second floor. But I went right to bed. I slept. I didn’t dream like Kelly did but I woke up and…” His head dipped down every so often, then panned around to see who was looking at him. He brushed some hair away and continued, “And I rubbed my eyes and got up to look around. No one else was up. I was a little concerned I was up too early. I went over to the bathroom and I froze when I passed the mirror. My face was a stranger’s face. My arms were not the arms I remember. Nothing else had changed then. I rushed to go see if you two were alright. I stopped in Jamie’s room first. He was sleeping deeply. I wasn’t sure how to wake him. I didn’t want to yell too loud because of everyone else. I rushed to Ms. Ishida’s room. She was up. She helped me wake up Jamie. Then I felt like I was sinking. I nearly fell…”
He looked to Jamie, who picked up the story. “I saw Ms. Ishida catch him. She was taller than him. That really woke up. I rushed for the nearest mirror. I felt like I was gonna get sick. I undressed a little to check everything. After a bit, I grabbed Nathan and had to see how you fared.”
I contributed my part to fill in the rest of what happened. She didn’t ask what I yelled, so I decided not to mention it for now.
Miki nodded. She looked at Nathan, who’d taken a few steps back. She added, “Well. I was up already and I followed Ms. Ishida in checking out what happened. I passed Mami when going for the dust broom. She looked pretty bleary and annoyed. I think Ami is still sleeping. I know Sumi and Reiko are sleeping. Tara and I are making breakfast today, so I know she’s probably up. No clue about Nana. You alright, Nathan?”
She moved closer. He fidgeted a bit and said, “My image in the mirror is scary. And I’m worried…”
“What are worried about?” Miki looked concerned.
Nathan turned away. “I want to help more. I just feel so useless lately. Before, I helped at my father’s gym. I made sure everyone was okay. I took care of all the toughest stuff in our apartment. But it was my effort at helping which caused all this to happen. I thought I could make up for it by helping here but I felt paralyzed. Then I started losing things. I lost my mother’s face. I lost my muscles. I lost everything that makes me able to help. I feel like I failed and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
Miki bowed her head. “Listen…” She pulled Nathan into a hug. “I’m here for you, as a friend. You don’t always have to give your strength to say you care for someone. Sometimes you just give them a smile or a pat on the back. I saw something special in you from the moment I saw you. If I just saw some muscular guy, I wouldn’t have bothered to challenge you. I saw someone who I knew was my match, so I had to challenge myself. And I bet you’re really limber now. We gotta try a flexibility test and…I will bet money you’re an awesome swimmer with a body like that. You’ll just cut through the water.”
Nathan blushed from the hug and offered a tentative smile. “But what about helping others?”
Miki grinned, “Imagine how fast you’ll be able to clean. You can get in anywhere quickly. You can sneak your way through. Those arms of yours are still really toned. So many things require skill and speed over mere brute force, sports especially. Your tennis game is gonna be fiery!”
Nathan looked down at his hands. “You really think so?”
“Think? I know girls with that kind of body who routinely kick my butt at sports. I mentioned the smallest girl in the class, right?” He nodded but asked, “What about my face?”
“I think your mother would be really impressed with you, no matter what you look like.”
Nathan gently drifted away from the hug. “She did say…well, my dad said she always wanted a girl…with me.”
Miki rubbed his shoulder. “You don’t have to be all things for everyone.”
I noticed Katsumi, still in bed, was listening closely.
Jamie nudged his way into the conversation. “Do you expect that feel-good tripe to work on everyone?”
Miki slipped around from Nathan with a sigh and offered, “I wish I could do more for all three of you.”
Jamie, doing what felt like an impersonation of Reiko, said, “You can keep wishing but until you know a way to really fix us, then it’s just empty words. Our faces have been mutilated. Mine feels like it’s been cut off to the muscle. I can barely stand to look at it. I know Kelly doesn’t enjoy it all either. But I figure the one on the bed is just eating this all up, huh? This what you wanted? See a bunch of boys reduced to pain and suffering?”
Katsumi looked at him but didn’t say anything.
He continued, “I bet it is. Well, I’m not gonna be your toy for whatever crazy fetish you have.” He walked out of the room, shaking his head behind him.
We were all left in silence till Tara crept in, looking at us and back down the hall. She asked, “Is everyone okay?”
Ms. Ishida encouraged Tara to come in. She looked up at Nathan. She was still four inches shorter than him but it was a big difference from when he towered more than a foot over her. She turned her head a little and looked at me too. She looked confused.
“Hello?” She looked to Katsumi. Ms. Ishida explained it to Tara, who gasped, “Wait! Does that mean Jamie-kun was just walking out?”
Ms. Ishida nodded and Tara rushed out the door. We returned to silence. Katsumi sighed. “You know I have to change to for class, right?” She folded her arms and blew a bit of hair out of her eyes. She reached behind her and picked up a camera. Nathan looked surprised when she took a photo with a quick flash. I made the most unfeminine frown I could imagine. Of course, she chuckled and said, “That was a cute one. Can I take another?”
I stared at her. She shrugged. “I bared my soul to you last night and you gave me very little in return.”
I made a “photo-for-grandma” smile and she snapped another one.
“Okay. I’m satisfied. But don’t go far. I bet I could make you look even prettier.”
I pressed my legs again with my hands. At least my cuts weren’t oozing through the band-aids. “I don’t want to be pretty. I want to be me. I’m not pretty. I’m not meant to be pretty. I’ve always just been some guy who lives a quiet existence. This doesn’t happen to me. I just go about my life in a plain, normal way. I watch stuff about excitement. I read about it. I don’t live it. And I’ve always been fine with watching the crazy stuff go on around me and happen to other people. It’s a safe location. I don’t have to worry. But somehow, something picked me out, picked me and my friends up and took us somewhere strange. It’s doing something to us…or this place is doing something to us. I don’t want to be what it’s making me into. It feels like I’m losing myself. Can’t you understand that? Can’t you understand being pushed into being something you’re not? Please tell me you can understand.”
A figure lingered by the doorway. I looked. It was Mami. She rubbed her eyes. “I can totally understand that but please keep it down so I can eek out a few more minutes resting my eyes.” Then she left.
Katsumi shrugged and cracked her neck. “I get it but again, I want this to happen. As far as I know, I’m not causing it so I can’t undo it. And if I were doing it, I doubt I could muster up the will to want to undo it. And so far as looking pretty, there’s really no chance at this point of anyone thinking you’re just pretty boys. You’re far too girly for that. If you don’t want my kind of help, the door is over there.”
I set my face, not knowing what appearance that would give, and said, “I don’t want your help.” I stood. Ms. Ishida looked between us. Miki rubbed Nathan’s shoulder.
Katsumi stood up from her bed. “Then we really don’t have anything else to say, do we?”
I shook my head and turned to leave. I left Katsumi’s room and found myself in the hall looking out. Ms. Ishida lingered behind me, still in Katsumi’s room. I wondered if Nathan would stay and take up Katsumi’s help at being “pretty”. Just because she couldn’t do it for herself didn’t mean she could with me.
I strode towards Nana’s room. If not for the dull pain of my arms, I would’ve wondered if I was still in a part of the dream and I would open the door to another strange vortex.
But when I opened the door, what I saw inside was the same as when I brought food up to Nana. Also as before, Nana was nowhere to be found. After picking through the forest of computer towers, I found a wall and started tapping on it for a reaction. I called “Nana!” several times and peered over to where I found her last time. The keyboard console was there and the cooling unit but no Nana. I worked my way over to the far end of the room.
Through a clearing of towers, I found her. Slender consoles curled around her like pet serpents. She wore a hooded peripheral herself which gave her long hair the appearance of a rising, silver cobra.
I called to Nana. She turned slowly and watched me with her blue eyes. She seemed to probe this new face I wore. I’d had plenty of bizarre interactions with Nana, from the random-like sentence fragments she spilled out when we first met to long-winded techno-babble to terse replies of another time. This time felt disturbingly-normal.
She asked, softly, “Can I help you?”
“I don’t know. Are you? Are you helping me?”
“I do all that I can.” Her head dipped slightly.
“Really? Did you give me this face?”
“No. I did not.”
“Did someone else do it? Was it Hitomi?”
“No. Hitomi did not give you that face.”
“Then who did? Do you know?”
“Alas, I do not.”
“Is there anything you can tell me…about Hitomi? About what is going on?”
“I can’t say much.”
“Why not?”
“Because there are still so many unanswered questions.”
“Like what?”
The room felt still. The constant background hum of the computers went away. It was like everything had suddenly shut off, like in a blackout.
“…’Am I alone?’...”
I tried to ask my next question without sounding nervous. “And is there an answer?”
“I hope so.”
Like a slowly awakening chorus, the hum returned. I took a deep breath.
My brain kept fighting between the notion of Nana as a time-wasting head-case and a misunderstood source of answers. Mami’s notions about Nana echoed in my thoughts.
“Alright. Then can you tell me about yourself? Where were you born? Where did you grow up?”
“Those are places of many unanswered questions.”
“Is there anything you know about your past?”
“There are only fragments.”
“Can you tell me what you know?”
“Would it really matter to say?” She seemed to be searching me.
“It would to me. I want to know as much as you can recall.”
She shut her eyes. She wobbled a little and raised her hands to remove her headpiece.
“I would tell you honestly, though I wonder about my life. But I will try. My first memory feels like a nightmare. I feel loss. I feel something breaking. I want to scream. Then I’m alone. There are faces. A hand touches me. I’m lifted up. There’s a cold bed. People come and go. Someone takes me eventually. They put me in their home. They smile around me. I make no effort to mimic them. I sleep. I eat. I do what they tell me. I go to school. They hug me though I don’t know why. One day, I hear a soft, familiar whisper. The whisper comforts me. I listen to it. It asks me to do things. I do them gladly. I want to make the whisper happy because it makes me feel better. It tells me to come here. It tells me what to do and to say. I try to listen. I make things it tells me to make. I can hear it better, with help.” She held the headpiece in her hands. “It doesn’t ask much of me but it doesn’t tell me much either. I read. I research. I wait and hope that it will all make sense.”
It was a strange, fragmented story but, considering everything, I was willing to hear it. I only had one question myself, “Nana. Is this whisper you talk about…is it the one you call ‘Hitomi’?”
“It is.”
I settled on the floor. It was a large step to take Nana at her word. Even she didn’t seem absolutely sure in everything she was telling, so how was I to know for sure either? Plus, from the sound of things, it seemed like Nana was helping this whisper named ‘Hitomi’. So if this…whatever it is, was trying to turn us into girls, then that meant Nana was a party to that. But, by her own word, she said neither her nor it causing this.
It just felt so endlessly frustrating.
I looked at Nana and sighed out, “Listen. If you’re involved in us turning into girls, even in some small way, I need to tell you that it’s hurting us. I need to tell the whisper that we’re suffering…”
She interrupted, “It knows.”
I nodded. “Okay. We are suffering. We’re not supposed to be girls. We were born as boys. Maybe Nathan would be able to cope, if given time, but Jamie and I were never meant for this. Do you understand? He is in pain and I feel lost. My face is gone. No trace of it is left. I can’t stand to look in the mirror and not see me anymore. I feel like I’m a ghost. Do you understand?”
She watched me carefully then bowed her head. Nana was very quiet before she finally answered, “I do. I’m sorry. I’m trying to help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel the whisper wants to set things right as well. It wants to help you three.”
I had to wonder what form that help would take but, despite the oddness, I felt rather comforted Nana and ‘Hitomi’ seemed to be on our side. I rubbed my head.
“Well, if you or anyone else find out a way to fix or reverse what’s happened to us, I’d really appreciate it if you told me.”
“Understood. Is there anything else you need from me?”
“I still have many questions. I don’t know if you have the answers. But I’ve asked you about all the things that have been stewing in my mind. Oh, there’s also the image in the photo album in Ms. Ishida’s room. And in the background of the photo in the hall…”
“A young girl who bares a significant resemblance to me.”
“And there’s a photo of three builders who look rather like me and my friends used to.”
“I know that image as well. I’ve done some searching. They are among the many questions I have as well.”
“Has ‘Hitomi’ provided any answers to questions like that?”
“Hitomi has provided some guidance. But I cannot say much more than I’ve said, for certain.”
I felt in Nana a sincere wish to do something for us, so I decided to leave it at that.
“Thanks for what you’ve been able to tell me. I’m gonna keep searching for answers too.”
Her head leaned forward. The light wind arced around me. “Are you leaving?”
“Well, Jamie ran off, so there’s no tell where he might’ve gone. I’m gonna go and see if he’s okay.”
Her face looked calm. “If someone you cared about left or was gone then you would go after them?”
“Naturally.”
“Do you care about me?”
Okay, that was a pretty peculiar question. I’d only talked to Nana a handful of times but I was warming up to her particular quirks.
“I care. I definitely don’t want to see you hurt. I’m not quite sure what you mean though. Are you suggesting something?”
The typical female crush, at least so far as I’d seen in animes, would’ve turned away to blush and said a small “no”. Instead, Nana lifted her head and uttered a careful, “Yes, I am.”
“And what is it…that you’re suggesting?”
“My question. Am I alone?”
I stepped carefully, weaving my way through the snaking cords. The wind seemed to push on me a little. I ignored it and wrapped my arms around Nana.
I told her, “I’m here. I know I sometimes just watch and I need to take more action. But, if you need my help, I promise to do my best.”
She looked at me and my arms like I was a captivating curiosity. She nodded once and said, “I thank you.”
We parted company and I weaved my way through the computers and back to the hallway. Nathan and Ms. Ishida stood nearby in similar poses. Nathan’s new face wore such an innocently-curious look. Since Mami and Katsumi had both closed up their doors, we walked down the warm-smelling steps. The light of the new morning had just begun to play across the boards.
The second floor was quiet. I checked Jamie’s room and found it empty.
On the ground floor, Reiko and Sumi stood in the middle of the hall. Sumi had her arms around Reiko, who was writing something into a notebook. Ms. Ishida smiled and wished them a good morning. They both returned the greeting but stared right at us.
Sumi made a soft, purring noise and slipped out from around Reiko, who looked back at her with inquisitive eyes. Sumi flashed Reiko a smile and moved closer to us.
“Well…good morning to you two too. We saw a cute blond run out of the house a few minutes ago. Your friend?”
I nodded.
“She looks quite good with long hair. Nice face too. As for the two of you, I must say I’m surprised. How far have things…progressed?”
I assured her, “We’re still boys, if that’s what you mean.”
“Could’ve fooled me. Oh well. It’s such a shame neither of you are dressed up nicer. I figured Katsumi would’ve corrected that.”
I steadied my eyes on her. “We’ll dress how we wish.”
She smiled again. “Of course. But the right clothes bring perfect melodies to the surface. Shame I don’t have my phone right now for a photo. You both are quite memorable.”
She looked down at Nathan. “And you, royal blue. Your face has changed so much. You have lovely eyelashes. And you’ve gone from…towering to fun-sized. I can’t help but be intrigued.” Nathan glanced at the floor with red tracing his gentle cheeks.
I stepped forward a little. “We can discuss changes later. Can you tell us where our friend went?”
Sumi crept nearer. Reiko narrowed her eyes at Sumi, who seemed not to notice. Ms. Ishida kept to the side. With a slow inhale, Sumi said, “She went quickly but…I’d have to say she left through the door at the end of the hall. Beyond that, I can only guess. Sorry.”
I would’ve just gone as I was but I remembered that I was still dressed in pajamas.
A watchful Sumi lingered on us as we passed with Ms. Ishida as our escort. We made our way to the kitchen, where Miki and Tara were darting between the fridge and a set of pans. I figured this was a safe place to leave Nathan while I changed. Miki welcomed Nathan to help with an entrée. He looked over the ingredients and, with some gentle prodding from Miki and Tara, set to work according to their instructions.
I made my way back to my room, passing Sumi and Reiko standing off to one side. Reiko looked away from Sumi as she caressed her shoulder. I didn’t stop for more than a glance at them.
I dressed in clothes which would suffice for outdoors and returned to the ground floor. I snuck by Sumi and Reiko again and caught one word from Sumi’s lips as I passed.
The word was “love”. I hurried on.
Nathan had Tara and Miki on either side, coaching him on. Ms. Ishida pulled out some plates. His hands darted and stirred around the pan. He crouched to grab more ingredients and add them to the cooking, egg-like mixture. When it came to flipping the mixture, his motion was almost too quick and he had to dart over to catch it. Miki whooped a bit and Tara fluttered her apron like a wing. They asked me if I wanted to join in too.
“Maybe when I get back. I’m gonna go see if I can find Jamie.”
Tara bowed her head. “Please help Jamie-kun! I hope he’s okay…” Her somber look soon dwindled when she went back to dicing cucumbers.
I went down to the end of the hall. My shoes and Nathan’s were still there. Jamie’s were gone. Mine fit like clown shoes and flopped against my feet as I walked but they were good enough if my hunch was right about where Jamie had gone.
It looked even earlier than it felt. The normally-pure white sun of this world was just a bright-yellowy smudge of light curiously peering over the crystals of the sea. Despite my huge eyes, the light didn’t hurt or blind me. Quite the opposite from what I expected.
I limped down the steps, hindered by my shoes. I felt so ridiculous with them on. I looked around Rock Lane.
Unlike the last time I left Mecchen, a strong sea breeze pushed against me this time. I leaned against a stone wall until it calmed down. It curled at my sides but soon settled into a calm rustle through the trees.
The gas station looked as barren as ever. It made me think of an empty set waiting for the cast and crew to arrive. Downtown Brookville looked just the same way on our first trip to that strange path through the trees, the destination in my search for Jamie.
Everything felt still. I held my breath as I came to the pedestrian walkway and bus stop. I climbed up the walkway. I listened carefully. The sound of another elevated passed my ears and with it, the rush of city sounds returned. Cars rushed along their way. One even passed under me. Distant figures ambled around the front of their houses. A bus thundered a few blocks away. I let myself breathe and walked over to the path. I peered down it was far as I could.
For a moment, I entertained the notion that Jamie had actually found a way home. It worried if I walked down it as well then I would be leaving Nathan all alone in this place. But I decided to walk the length of it before thinking of other places Jamie might me.
All my concerns were moot, I found Jamie sitting in front of a large tree after a set of hills. He had on his clothes from yesterday. He looked utterly defeated. His hands trembled.
“Jamie…”
It took three times for him to respond with a soft, “I don’t know what to do. Our only chance of an answer is Nana.”
I frowned and told him, “She seems to have as many questions as we do.”
He grit his teeth. “And what would you know about it?”
I told him what I learned. I gave him the fragments of Nana’s past, as they were given to me. I expressed the feelings I felt when listening to her.
“You know I don’t believe her…but I suppose short of threatening her somehow, and I doubt she’d be susceptible to that…there’s not much we can do about that. Maybe if we ask to use her equipment and chat directly with ‘Hitomi’ we might be able to get some answers. Or at least we’ll be able to prove or disprove her as crazy.”
“Do you really think that might help?”
He leaned against the trunk with its dark-lined wrinkles. “Well, I was considering staying at Carolyn’s home…but with the way things are going and our natural antagonism, I don’t know. I really have no interest in just sitting around waiting for what comes next. Reading those cryptic books doesn’t seem to help any. Only a freak like Nana would understand them. And yet, I actually feel at home in my room at Mecchen. None of it makes any sense. We find ourselves on a strange path which suddenly leads another world where people are made of ink and paint instead of flesh and blood, crumpled buses hit nothing but air, mysterious papers suddenly appear, friends and strangers suddenly change sexes, there's lost time, cross-dressing, body-changes, strange recipes, impossible old photos, precognition, and more questions about it all than my brain can even form. I. Just. Want. Some. ANSWERS! Why did it happen? What does it mean? What is this place? How do we get home? Who are these people? WHY ARE WE HERE!? What am I doing here?”
I crouched beside him as he hid his face. I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking but he didn’t lean away from my grasp. He said, “I want my own face back. I’d even settle for that drawn version of it I had when we first arrived here. Anything but this…”
I wished I had a voice which truly motivated. But no, I had the voice of an observer, no matter how it sounded now. I tried to find something to say and I thought of Nina.
She was strange, and I still wasn’t sure if she was behind any of this or not, but her energy grabbed me. There was something about her which just fired me up. But would words like that help Jamie? Carolyn always motivated Jamie to action when they were together. But what would either of them say in a situation like this?
I took a deep breath and asked, “Why? Why settle?”
“I don’t want to be a girl! If I can just be some semblance of what I really am then I can cope, but not with all these changes. I mean you don’t want to be a girl…do you? Or Nathan?” I worried we were moving in the wrong direction but he seemed to be trembling less.
I offered my thoughts. “I think Nathan could easily slip into the role of a girl but I don’t know if he’d do it for the right reasons. I might get by myself, if I absolutely had to, but we’ll see. I don’t have the desire to break any more mirrors at least.”
His head drooped. “So…I’m alone. I really am the only one who wants to get back home and back to myself.”
I remembered Nana’s question and said to him, “I’m here. You are not alone.”
He looked over at me. Those crystalline tears were back. “I look down at my legs and they’re cute. I glance at my hand and it’s feminine. I feel a curtain of hair over my back. I wish I could just slip it off. And I look in the mirror and I see a frightened little girl. I thought my emotions were dead and I was better off without them. But I feel each and every one of them. I feel scared. I feel uncertain. I miss people. I miss home. And I feel…other things too.”
He pressed his hands into his legs. “I feel so scared to even think it, as though the world will shatter if I form the words.”
“Think what?”
Jamie looked very uncomfortable. He crouched close. “Ever since the day I chanced upon your ad in the paper for a roommate and showed up at the apartment, I’ve had a huge crush on you.”
He hid his face and whimpered. Even my tenuous words left me. Speaking through his hands, he said a muffled, “I was so scared I was gay but I didn’t feel the same for any other guy. Sure, I’ve always felt a kind of companionship for Nathan but it’s just not the same thing.”
Finally, I found something to say. “What does it feel like?”
“I’ve never really been in love. Not with Carolyn or anyone. But when I was near you, I knew, no matter if we fought, no matter how stupid I was, that it would be okay, that you were there and that made everything alright. You were like a warm bath. I’d just drink in the feeling when you were in the apartment. I didn’t want to go anywhere else.”
“Do you feel it now?”
He was quiet and his feet fidgeted a bit. I couldn’t see his face, but he looked embarrassed. “I feel…something. I mean…I never ever wanted to do anything weird with you. When you touch me though…I feel really nice. I imagine you hugging me and holding me close. I imagine you smiling at me. And I feel warm…”
He pressed his face and groaned. I slipped my hand away. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean I imagine intense brotherly feelings might not be too far from that. I don’t have a brother and all but…” I trailed off. I was trying, but in my experience that sort of feeling only seemed tied to romantic feelings.
I tried a different tact. “Listen. You are my friend and it doesn’t bother me a bit. I mean I never really had any close relationships with the opposite sex. I hung out with Carolyn and people from my job sometimes. But mostly it was just you, Nathan, and my family.”
“Do you remember your family yet?”
It was the same, hazy details as before. Jamie didn’t remember any more either. I felt like I was doing a pretty poor job of consoling him.
I assured him. “We will figure it out and we will be okay.”
“How?”
“I don’t know yet.”
He looked at me. “You’re really still my friend after hearing that?”
“Of course.”
“What’s wrong with you? Who would ever want to be a friend of such a messed up guy like me?”
I shrugged and said, “I want to be.”
He sighed. “Well, I guess whatever sexual issues won’t matter for very long. It’s not as fatal for girls to hug and be affectionate to one another.”
“We don’t even know how things are in this world.”
“Well, Reiko and Sumi seem to be keeping things private but Carolyn looked fine.”
“You really think those two are…involved?” I didn’t want to assume, although there was mounting evidence to that.
Jamie shrugged. “It’d make sense. But then not much makes sense around here, so I dunno.”
A light wind was flowing back towards the opening of the path. “Come on. We should get back for breakfast. It looked good.”
“I don’t know if I can eat. I just feel…like nothing will help. Like I’m in a mechanism that’s barreling down a hill and I can’t stop it. I really don’t want to be a girl, no matter if it makes my feelings for you less weird. I just want to be me, safe in my skin.”
Remembering my dream and feeling the same questions in my thoughts, I offered to Jamie, as much to myself, the words, “I’m just a listener. All I can tell you is…do what you can. Figure out where you fit now. Keep sight of who you are and who you want to be. You have to set goals.”
“You’re starting to sound like Miki. Eh. I feel so helpless. I can’t even gather the energy to yell anymore. I can’t make a plan. The books make no sense to me. I’m no scientist who can open up wormholes. If none of the girls are the one responsible all this then what can we do? I’d question Carolyn but she seems to know less than we do. Maybe I can just hide and it all will ease off and forget about me in time…”
I squeezed Jamie’s shoulder. “But I won’t forget about you. Alright, you need something? I got something. You’re gonna help me clean Ami’s room. You’re gonna help me track down mysteries and piece together problems. You’re going to help. We’re going to work things out. And we’re also going to enjoy things every once in a while.”
Jamie looked surprised and that last one sounded weird even to me. But I remembered the vision of city at night, the smells, the sensations, the experiences. I thought, if we really were doomed to some fate, if we truly were being digested by some greater force, then what purpose did it serve to sit around and languish in solemn sadness till we eroded away to nothing? Feeling, fighting, hitting things, moving, being in contact with that world was not only better than listless despair but it might well be able to free us or reveal the secrets.
I pointed out all this to Jamie with a calm passion, an urgency to break his stupor. I hadn’t had much success when Nathan lost his mother’s face. That was a group effort and affected by Ami passing out. Now, it was just me. This had to work. I put all my effort into it and sat back to observe the results.
The surprise slowly ebbed away from Jamie’s face. He straightened his back and let his hands fall at his sides. He let out a breath, uttered a cute little curse, and said, “You’re right. This won’t beat me. And heck, even if it does, I’ll show it. I’ll make it wish it’d never caught me. I’ll give it the biggest load of indigestion you’ve ever seen.”
He rose to his feet, his fists clenched tight, then staggered backward a little. I stood and steadied him. It took me a moment to realize I was looking down at him and he wasn’t crouching.
It didn’t deter him any. “Oh yeah? You think you can beat me just by shrinking me again? It won’t work on me. We are so going to beat you!” He shook a small fist at the sky through the trees. His pants slid a little and his shirt looked loose. They didn’t slip off though. His shoes looked even looser than mine. And I figured I was next for a final reduction.
Jamie brushed his long hair back and checked things. He said a soft, “It’s alright. I can find some kids clothes. Back to being small again. Do I look decent? Nothing falling off?”
I looked him over. He looked like a girl trying to wear her boyfriend’s too-large clothes. I decided not to mention that thought. I just said, “You look fine.”
He brushed hair out of his eyes. “I can’t get over my face though. I can’t get over your face either. How are the cuts on your arms?” I checked them. I peeled back a band-aid. The skin underneath looked perfect. I rubbed it. No scratches. I pinched the flesh to prompt bleeding. Nothing. I pulled off another band-aid. The same.
I rolled the band-aids up into one wad and rubbed my arms. He touched my arms too. “Well. At least there are some benefits to this weird place.”
I stuffed the band-aids in my pocket and looked at Jamie. He moved slowly and looked down the path of trees. “So…we head back?”
“As soon as you’re ready.”
He looked at my arm then up at my face. “Can I walk behind you?”
“Sure.”
Jamie didn’t hold my hand but he lingered in my wake as we left the pathway. The light wind pressed us onward and the area had come alive. Little kids were waiting at the bus stop. One girl with light brown hair and pink ribbons in her hair was twirling between a small group of girls and boys. She looked over at us and waved exuberantly. She bounded over and held out something for Jamie. She gave one to me too.
“The flowers are blooming! Festival!” She twirled around and laughed like Tara. The wind flowed around her but didn’t seem to disturb her a bit. She waved and rushed back to her friends by the bus stop.
We looked at what she’d given us. We’d each received a little, pink folded paper flower. The address of a shrine was written in kanji on the back. Jamie turned the flower over in his hands and then tucked it in a pocket.
He looked at me. “You know anything about a flower festival?”
“Just from anime shows. It’s a Japanese thing. I know there’s like a week when the cherry blossoms are at their best.”
“You mean those?” He pointed in the distance.
Across the hilly swells and flows of Ogawa, there were gentle points of color darting the landscape. They were in early, hesitant bloom like pale cotton candy. I saw a far off river-bank lined with specks of white which looked ready to explode.
The wind was still. The young day was warm. We walked together through relaxed clusters of travelers and drew the attention of no one. On the steps to Mecchen, I looked back across the city.
I had no reason to hope. Somewhere in my thoughts, I knew things would only get bad again. And yet, at that moment looking out at the great bloom of the sun, I didn’t care.
I was not alone.
Copyright 2006 by Sarah Jody Lathorp
Chapter 14 – The Hopes of Mecchen House
Ms. Ishida was the first to rush into the room. I tried to get out an apology for the glass but she had me in her arms before I could say anything. Miki came next, assessed the situation, and went looking for a dust broom.
Ms. Ishida took a couple of first-aid items out of the closet in the corner of the room, led me over to Katsumi’s room, and sat me in a chair. Katsumi was sitting on her bed and didn’t offer anything in way of protest. Ms. Ishida kept hugging me until it felt like she’d squeezed all the tears out.
When they were gone, the embarrassment set in. Ms. Ishida wouldn’t let me apologize though. She just said, “Sit. Collect yourself. Don’t worry about it. I will take care of it.”
She gave me a little kiss on the cheek.
I tried a few breaths then finally said, “Umm…good morning.”
She smiled and said, “Good morning to you.”
I felt a little less shaky. She turned her attention to Nathan and Jamie, “And good morning to you two as well.” She then turned to Katsumi and asked, “You don’t mind if our friends stay in your room a little while to collect themselves, do you Katsumi?”
Katsumi shook her head. She surveyed the three of us. She covered her mouth with a hand. Ms. Ishida gave me a tissue to dry my face and blow my nose. She rubbed my shoulder then went over to Nathan and Jamie. She asked them how they were. Both looked a little shaky but only Nathan accepted a hug from Ms. Ishida. Jamie hugged the wall instead and watched floor.
I balled up my fists in my lap and turned to Katsumi. “I had a dream. I think it could be related.”
Katsumi looked back at me. I noticed she was still wearing a nightgown, it was lavender and soft. She asked, “What happened?” My roommates and Ms. Ishida turned to listen.
I tried to put myself back in the dream and grab hold of the fading details. I pressed those little fists deep into my soft legs. “I was near Nana’s room. The door opened and I saw a vortex in front of me. A voice said, ‘This is all for you. You’re going to be returned to your real home.’ There was a high tone like on the phone at the library when we tried to call home and the voice said, ‘My sister’. It was distorted. There was a figure standing there too. I remember that. It looked just like Nana but something told me it wasn’t Nana. It just felt wrong. Then it faded away as the dream faded. Then I was shaken awake.”
I took a long breath after all that. I turned to Jamie. He was leaning against the wall. His legs crossed a little. He dipped his hair back. The pins were gone. My brain struggled to associate this face with Jamie. It rebelled. It didn’t know this girl.
Ms. Ishida tugged at my arms and rubbed something wet against them. I looked down. She said, “You have a few small scratches. Don’t want them to get infected.” I saw the red spots here and there. They weren’t oozing. They looked like mosquito bites. She dabbed the area, dried it, and put on a couple of bandages. Miki came in with a dust pan. She announced, “I have the glass all cleaned up. Do you need anything else, Ms. Ishida?”
She shook her head. Miki looked eye-to-eye at Nathan. Nathan held his hands in front of him like Ms. Ishida sometimes did. While Jamie was dressed in a fairly-generic tan, two-piece set of jammies; Nathan wore a silken blue number. It fit him well. The sleeves were short and so were the pant legs, which curled close around his thighs and ended at the knee. Nathan seemed to shrink even more under Miki’s gaze.
A quiet moment passed between them. Then Miki asked, “So what happened?”
Nathan looked over at the two of us. Miki’s eyes were on him. He brushed his slender hands together and began, “Well. I umm…I remember. Tara and I had some fun with music and looking through what she’d collected. I felt sleepy. So went to my bedroom and I got clothes to wear for sleep. I took a short bath like last night. It was really quiet. I wondered if I should’ve bathed up on the second floor. But I went right to bed. I slept. I didn’t dream like Kelly did but I woke up and…” His head dipped down every so often, then panned around to see who was looking at him. He brushed some hair away and continued, “And I rubbed my eyes and got up to look around. No one else was up. I was a little concerned I was up too early. I went over to the bathroom and I froze when I passed the mirror. My face was a stranger’s face. My arms were not the arms I remember. Nothing else had changed then. I rushed to go see if you two were alright. I stopped in Jamie’s room first. He was sleeping deeply. I wasn’t sure how to wake him. I didn’t want to yell too loud because of everyone else. I rushed to Ms. Ishida’s room. She was up. She helped me wake up Jamie. Then I felt like I was sinking. I nearly fell…”
He looked to Jamie, who picked up the story. “I saw Ms. Ishida catch him. She was taller than him. That really woke up. I rushed for the nearest mirror. I felt like I was gonna get sick. I undressed a little to check everything. After a bit, I grabbed Nathan and had to see how you fared.”
I contributed my part to fill in the rest of what happened. She didn’t ask what I yelled, so I decided not to mention it for now.
Miki nodded. She looked at Nathan, who’d taken a few steps back. She added, “Well. I was up already and I followed Ms. Ishida in checking out what happened. I passed Mami when going for the dust broom. She looked pretty bleary and annoyed. I think Ami is still sleeping. I know Sumi and Reiko are sleeping. Tara and I are making breakfast today, so I know she’s probably up. No clue about Nana. You alright, Nathan?”
She moved closer. He fidgeted a bit and said, “My image in the mirror is scary. And I’m worried…”
“What are worried about?” Miki looked concerned.
Nathan turned away. “I want to help more. I just feel so useless lately. Before, I helped at my father’s gym. I made sure everyone was okay. I took care of all the toughest stuff in our apartment. But it was my effort at helping which caused all this to happen. I thought I could make up for it by helping here but I felt paralyzed. Then I started losing things. I lost my mother’s face. I lost my muscles. I lost everything that makes me able to help. I feel like I failed and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
Miki bowed her head. “Listen…” She pulled Nathan into a hug. “I’m here for you, as a friend. You don’t always have to give your strength to say you care for someone. Sometimes you just give them a smile or a pat on the back. I saw something special in you from the moment I saw you. If I just saw some muscular guy, I wouldn’t have bothered to challenge you. I saw someone who I knew was my match, so I had to challenge myself. And I bet you’re really limber now. We gotta try a flexibility test and…I will bet money you’re an awesome swimmer with a body like that. You’ll just cut through the water.”
Nathan blushed from the hug and offered a tentative smile. “But what about helping others?”
Miki grinned, “Imagine how fast you’ll be able to clean. You can get in anywhere quickly. You can sneak your way through. Those arms of yours are still really toned. So many things require skill and speed over mere brute force, sports especially. Your tennis game is gonna be fiery!”
Nathan looked down at his hands. “You really think so?”
“Think? I know girls with that kind of body who routinely kick my butt at sports. I mentioned the smallest girl in the class, right?” He nodded but asked, “What about my face?”
“I think your mother would be really impressed with you, no matter what you look like.”
Nathan gently drifted away from the hug. “She did say…well, my dad said she always wanted a girl…with me.”
Miki rubbed his shoulder. “You don’t have to be all things for everyone.”
I noticed Katsumi, still in bed, was listening closely.
Jamie nudged his way into the conversation. “Do you expect that feel-good tripe to work on everyone?”
Miki slipped around from Nathan with a sigh and offered, “I wish I could do more for all three of you.”
Jamie, doing what felt like an impersonation of Reiko, said, “You can keep wishing but until you know a way to really fix us, then it’s just empty words. Our faces have been mutilated. Mine feels like it’s been cut off to the muscle. I can barely stand to look at it. I know Kelly doesn’t enjoy it all either. But I figure the one on the bed is just eating this all up, huh? This what you wanted? See a bunch of boys reduced to pain and suffering?”
Katsumi looked at him but didn’t say anything.
He continued, “I bet it is. Well, I’m not gonna be your toy for whatever crazy fetish you have.” He walked out of the room, shaking his head behind him.
We were all left in silence till Tara crept in, looking at us and back down the hall. She asked, “Is everyone okay?”
Ms. Ishida encouraged Tara to come in. She looked up at Nathan. She was still four inches shorter than him but it was a big difference from when he towered more than a foot over her. She turned her head a little and looked at me too. She looked confused.
“Hello?” She looked to Katsumi. Ms. Ishida explained it to Tara, who gasped, “Wait! Does that mean Jamie-kun was just walking out?”
Ms. Ishida nodded and Tara rushed out the door. We returned to silence. Katsumi sighed. “You know I have to change to for class, right?” She folded her arms and blew a bit of hair out of her eyes. She reached behind her and picked up a camera. Nathan looked surprised when she took a photo with a quick flash. I made the most unfeminine frown I could imagine. Of course, she chuckled and said, “That was a cute one. Can I take another?”
I stared at her. She shrugged. “I bared my soul to you last night and you gave me very little in return.”
I made a “photo-for-grandma” smile and she snapped another one.
“Okay. I’m satisfied. But don’t go far. I bet I could make you look even prettier.”
I pressed my legs again with my hands. At least my cuts weren’t oozing through the band-aids. “I don’t want to be pretty. I want to be me. I’m not pretty. I’m not meant to be pretty. I’ve always just been some guy who lives a quiet existence. This doesn’t happen to me. I just go about my life in a plain, normal way. I watch stuff about excitement. I read about it. I don’t live it. And I’ve always been fine with watching the crazy stuff go on around me and happen to other people. It’s a safe location. I don’t have to worry. But somehow, something picked me out, picked me and my friends up and took us somewhere strange. It’s doing something to us…or this place is doing something to us. I don’t want to be what it’s making me into. It feels like I’m losing myself. Can’t you understand that? Can’t you understand being pushed into being something you’re not? Please tell me you can understand.”
A figure lingered by the doorway. I looked. It was Mami. She rubbed her eyes. “I can totally understand that but please keep it down so I can eek out a few more minutes resting my eyes.” Then she left.
Katsumi shrugged and cracked her neck. “I get it but again, I want this to happen. As far as I know, I’m not causing it so I can’t undo it. And if I were doing it, I doubt I could muster up the will to want to undo it. And so far as looking pretty, there’s really no chance at this point of anyone thinking you’re just pretty boys. You’re far too girly for that. If you don’t want my kind of help, the door is over there.”
I set my face, not knowing what appearance that would give, and said, “I don’t want your help.” I stood. Ms. Ishida looked between us. Miki rubbed Nathan’s shoulder.
Katsumi stood up from her bed. “Then we really don’t have anything else to say, do we?”
I shook my head and turned to leave. I left Katsumi’s room and found myself in the hall looking out. Ms. Ishida lingered behind me, still in Katsumi’s room. I wondered if Nathan would stay and take up Katsumi’s help at being “pretty”. Just because she couldn’t do it for herself didn’t mean she could with me.
I strode towards Nana’s room. If not for the dull pain of my arms, I would’ve wondered if I was still in a part of the dream and I would open the door to another strange vortex.
But when I opened the door, what I saw inside was the same as when I brought food up to Nana. Also as before, Nana was nowhere to be found. After picking through the forest of computer towers, I found a wall and started tapping on it for a reaction. I called “Nana!” several times and peered over to where I found her last time. The keyboard console was there and the cooling unit but no Nana. I worked my way over to the far end of the room.
Through a clearing of towers, I found her. Slender consoles curled around her like pet serpents. She wore a hooded peripheral herself which gave her long hair the appearance of a rising, silver cobra.
I called to Nana. She turned slowly and watched me with her blue eyes. She seemed to probe this new face I wore. I’d had plenty of bizarre interactions with Nana, from the random-like sentence fragments she spilled out when we first met to long-winded techno-babble to terse replies of another time. This time felt disturbingly-normal.
She asked, softly, “Can I help you?”
“I don’t know. Are you? Are you helping me?”
“I do all that I can.” Her head dipped slightly.
“Really? Did you give me this face?”
“No. I did not.”
“Did someone else do it? Was it Hitomi?”
“No. Hitomi did not give you that face.”
“Then who did? Do you know?”
“Alas, I do not.”
“Is there anything you can tell me…about Hitomi? About what is going on?”
“I can’t say much.”
“Why not?”
“Because there are still so many unanswered questions.”
“Like what?”
The room felt still. The constant background hum of the computers went away. It was like everything had suddenly shut off, like in a blackout.
“…’Am I alone?’...”
I tried to ask my next question without sounding nervous. “And is there an answer?”
“I hope so.”
Like a slowly awakening chorus, the hum returned. I took a deep breath.
My brain kept fighting between the notion of Nana as a time-wasting head-case and a misunderstood source of answers. Mami’s notions about Nana echoed in my thoughts.
“Alright. Then can you tell me about yourself? Where were you born? Where did you grow up?”
“Those are places of many unanswered questions.”
“Is there anything you know about your past?”
“There are only fragments.”
“Can you tell me what you know?”
“Would it really matter to say?” She seemed to be searching me.
“It would to me. I want to know as much as you can recall.”
She shut her eyes. She wobbled a little and raised her hands to remove her headpiece.
“I would tell you honestly, though I wonder about my life. But I will try. My first memory feels like a nightmare. I feel loss. I feel something breaking. I want to scream. Then I’m alone. There are faces. A hand touches me. I’m lifted up. There’s a cold bed. People come and go. Someone takes me eventually. They put me in their home. They smile around me. I make no effort to mimic them. I sleep. I eat. I do what they tell me. I go to school. They hug me though I don’t know why. One day, I hear a soft, familiar whisper. The whisper comforts me. I listen to it. It asks me to do things. I do them gladly. I want to make the whisper happy because it makes me feel better. It tells me to come here. It tells me what to do and to say. I try to listen. I make things it tells me to make. I can hear it better, with help.” She held the headpiece in her hands. “It doesn’t ask much of me but it doesn’t tell me much either. I read. I research. I wait and hope that it will all make sense.”
It was a strange, fragmented story but, considering everything, I was willing to hear it. I only had one question myself, “Nana. Is this whisper you talk about…is it the one you call ‘Hitomi’?”
“It is.”
I settled on the floor. It was a large step to take Nana at her word. Even she didn’t seem absolutely sure in everything she was telling, so how was I to know for sure either? Plus, from the sound of things, it seemed like Nana was helping this whisper named ‘Hitomi’. So if this…whatever it is, was trying to turn us into girls, then that meant Nana was a party to that. But, by her own word, she said neither her nor it causing this.
It just felt so endlessly frustrating.
I looked at Nana and sighed out, “Listen. If you’re involved in us turning into girls, even in some small way, I need to tell you that it’s hurting us. I need to tell the whisper that we’re suffering…”
She interrupted, “It knows.”
I nodded. “Okay. We are suffering. We’re not supposed to be girls. We were born as boys. Maybe Nathan would be able to cope, if given time, but Jamie and I were never meant for this. Do you understand? He is in pain and I feel lost. My face is gone. No trace of it is left. I can’t stand to look in the mirror and not see me anymore. I feel like I’m a ghost. Do you understand?”
She watched me carefully then bowed her head. Nana was very quiet before she finally answered, “I do. I’m sorry. I’m trying to help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel the whisper wants to set things right as well. It wants to help you three.”
I had to wonder what form that help would take but, despite the oddness, I felt rather comforted Nana and ‘Hitomi’ seemed to be on our side. I rubbed my head.
“Well, if you or anyone else find out a way to fix or reverse what’s happened to us, I’d really appreciate it if you told me.”
“Understood. Is there anything else you need from me?”
“I still have many questions. I don’t know if you have the answers. But I’ve asked you about all the things that have been stewing in my mind. Oh, there’s also the image in the photo album in Ms. Ishida’s room. And in the background of the photo in the hall…”
“A young girl who bares a significant resemblance to me.”
“And there’s a photo of three builders who look rather like me and my friends used to.”
“I know that image as well. I’ve done some searching. They are among the many questions I have as well.”
“Has ‘Hitomi’ provided any answers to questions like that?”
“Hitomi has provided some guidance. But I cannot say much more than I’ve said, for certain.”
I felt in Nana a sincere wish to do something for us, so I decided to leave it at that.
“Thanks for what you’ve been able to tell me. I’m gonna keep searching for answers too.”
Her head leaned forward. The light wind arced around me. “Are you leaving?”
“Well, Jamie ran off, so there’s no tell where he might’ve gone. I’m gonna go and see if he’s okay.”
Her face looked calm. “If someone you cared about left or was gone then you would go after them?”
“Naturally.”
“Do you care about me?”
Okay, that was a pretty peculiar question. I’d only talked to Nana a handful of times but I was warming up to her particular quirks.
“I care. I definitely don’t want to see you hurt. I’m not quite sure what you mean though. Are you suggesting something?”
The typical female crush, at least so far as I’d seen in animes, would’ve turned away to blush and said a small “no”. Instead, Nana lifted her head and uttered a careful, “Yes, I am.”
“And what is it…that you’re suggesting?”
“My question. Am I alone?”
I stepped carefully, weaving my way through the snaking cords. The wind seemed to push on me a little. I ignored it and wrapped my arms around Nana.
I told her, “I’m here. I know I sometimes just watch and I need to take more action. But, if you need my help, I promise to do my best.”
She looked at me and my arms like I was a captivating curiosity. She nodded once and said, “I thank you.”
We parted company and I weaved my way through the computers and back to the hallway. Nathan and Ms. Ishida stood nearby in similar poses. Nathan’s new face wore such an innocently-curious look. Since Mami and Katsumi had both closed up their doors, we walked down the warm-smelling steps. The light of the new morning had just begun to play across the boards.
The second floor was quiet. I checked Jamie’s room and found it empty.
On the ground floor, Reiko and Sumi stood in the middle of the hall. Sumi had her arms around Reiko, who was writing something into a notebook. Ms. Ishida smiled and wished them a good morning. They both returned the greeting but stared right at us.
Sumi made a soft, purring noise and slipped out from around Reiko, who looked back at her with inquisitive eyes. Sumi flashed Reiko a smile and moved closer to us.
“Well…good morning to you two too. We saw a cute blond run out of the house a few minutes ago. Your friend?”
I nodded.
“She looks quite good with long hair. Nice face too. As for the two of you, I must say I’m surprised. How far have things…progressed?”
I assured her, “We’re still boys, if that’s what you mean.”
“Could’ve fooled me. Oh well. It’s such a shame neither of you are dressed up nicer. I figured Katsumi would’ve corrected that.”
I steadied my eyes on her. “We’ll dress how we wish.”
She smiled again. “Of course. But the right clothes bring perfect melodies to the surface. Shame I don’t have my phone right now for a photo. You both are quite memorable.”
She looked down at Nathan. “And you, royal blue. Your face has changed so much. You have lovely eyelashes. And you’ve gone from…towering to fun-sized. I can’t help but be intrigued.” Nathan glanced at the floor with red tracing his gentle cheeks.
I stepped forward a little. “We can discuss changes later. Can you tell us where our friend went?”
Sumi crept nearer. Reiko narrowed her eyes at Sumi, who seemed not to notice. Ms. Ishida kept to the side. With a slow inhale, Sumi said, “She went quickly but…I’d have to say she left through the door at the end of the hall. Beyond that, I can only guess. Sorry.”
I would’ve just gone as I was but I remembered that I was still dressed in pajamas.
A watchful Sumi lingered on us as we passed with Ms. Ishida as our escort. We made our way to the kitchen, where Miki and Tara were darting between the fridge and a set of pans. I figured this was a safe place to leave Nathan while I changed. Miki welcomed Nathan to help with an entrée. He looked over the ingredients and, with some gentle prodding from Miki and Tara, set to work according to their instructions.
I made my way back to my room, passing Sumi and Reiko standing off to one side. Reiko looked away from Sumi as she caressed her shoulder. I didn’t stop for more than a glance at them.
I dressed in clothes which would suffice for outdoors and returned to the ground floor. I snuck by Sumi and Reiko again and caught one word from Sumi’s lips as I passed.
The word was “love”. I hurried on.
Nathan had Tara and Miki on either side, coaching him on. Ms. Ishida pulled out some plates. His hands darted and stirred around the pan. He crouched to grab more ingredients and add them to the cooking, egg-like mixture. When it came to flipping the mixture, his motion was almost too quick and he had to dart over to catch it. Miki whooped a bit and Tara fluttered her apron like a wing. They asked me if I wanted to join in too.
“Maybe when I get back. I’m gonna go see if I can find Jamie.”
Tara bowed her head. “Please help Jamie-kun! I hope he’s okay…” Her somber look soon dwindled when she went back to dicing cucumbers.
I went down to the end of the hall. My shoes and Nathan’s were still there. Jamie’s were gone. Mine fit like clown shoes and flopped against my feet as I walked but they were good enough if my hunch was right about where Jamie had gone.
It looked even earlier than it felt. The normally-pure white sun of this world was just a bright-yellowy smudge of light curiously peering over the crystals of the sea. Despite my huge eyes, the light didn’t hurt or blind me. Quite the opposite from what I expected.
I limped down the steps, hindered by my shoes. I felt so ridiculous with them on. I looked around Rock Lane.
Unlike the last time I left Mecchen, a strong sea breeze pushed against me this time. I leaned against a stone wall until it calmed down. It curled at my sides but soon settled into a calm rustle through the trees.
The gas station looked as barren as ever. It made me think of an empty set waiting for the cast and crew to arrive. Downtown Brookville looked just the same way on our first trip to that strange path through the trees, the destination in my search for Jamie.
Everything felt still. I held my breath as I came to the pedestrian walkway and bus stop. I climbed up the walkway. I listened carefully. The sound of another elevated passed my ears and with it, the rush of city sounds returned. Cars rushed along their way. One even passed under me. Distant figures ambled around the front of their houses. A bus thundered a few blocks away. I let myself breathe and walked over to the path. I peered down it was far as I could.
For a moment, I entertained the notion that Jamie had actually found a way home. It worried if I walked down it as well then I would be leaving Nathan all alone in this place. But I decided to walk the length of it before thinking of other places Jamie might me.
All my concerns were moot, I found Jamie sitting in front of a large tree after a set of hills. He had on his clothes from yesterday. He looked utterly defeated. His hands trembled.
“Jamie…”
It took three times for him to respond with a soft, “I don’t know what to do. Our only chance of an answer is Nana.”
I frowned and told him, “She seems to have as many questions as we do.”
He grit his teeth. “And what would you know about it?”
I told him what I learned. I gave him the fragments of Nana’s past, as they were given to me. I expressed the feelings I felt when listening to her.
“You know I don’t believe her…but I suppose short of threatening her somehow, and I doubt she’d be susceptible to that…there’s not much we can do about that. Maybe if we ask to use her equipment and chat directly with ‘Hitomi’ we might be able to get some answers. Or at least we’ll be able to prove or disprove her as crazy.”
“Do you really think that might help?”
He leaned against the trunk with its dark-lined wrinkles. “Well, I was considering staying at Carolyn’s home…but with the way things are going and our natural antagonism, I don’t know. I really have no interest in just sitting around waiting for what comes next. Reading those cryptic books doesn’t seem to help any. Only a freak like Nana would understand them. And yet, I actually feel at home in my room at Mecchen. None of it makes any sense. We find ourselves on a strange path which suddenly leads another world where people are made of ink and paint instead of flesh and blood, crumpled buses hit nothing but air, mysterious papers suddenly appear, friends and strangers suddenly change sexes, there's lost time, cross-dressing, body-changes, strange recipes, impossible old photos, precognition, and more questions about it all than my brain can even form. I. Just. Want. Some. ANSWERS! Why did it happen? What does it mean? What is this place? How do we get home? Who are these people? WHY ARE WE HERE!? What am I doing here?”
I crouched beside him as he hid his face. I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking but he didn’t lean away from my grasp. He said, “I want my own face back. I’d even settle for that drawn version of it I had when we first arrived here. Anything but this…”
I wished I had a voice which truly motivated. But no, I had the voice of an observer, no matter how it sounded now. I tried to find something to say and I thought of Nina.
She was strange, and I still wasn’t sure if she was behind any of this or not, but her energy grabbed me. There was something about her which just fired me up. But would words like that help Jamie? Carolyn always motivated Jamie to action when they were together. But what would either of them say in a situation like this?
I took a deep breath and asked, “Why? Why settle?”
“I don’t want to be a girl! If I can just be some semblance of what I really am then I can cope, but not with all these changes. I mean you don’t want to be a girl…do you? Or Nathan?” I worried we were moving in the wrong direction but he seemed to be trembling less.
I offered my thoughts. “I think Nathan could easily slip into the role of a girl but I don’t know if he’d do it for the right reasons. I might get by myself, if I absolutely had to, but we’ll see. I don’t have the desire to break any more mirrors at least.”
His head drooped. “So…I’m alone. I really am the only one who wants to get back home and back to myself.”
I remembered Nana’s question and said to him, “I’m here. You are not alone.”
He looked over at me. Those crystalline tears were back. “I look down at my legs and they’re cute. I glance at my hand and it’s feminine. I feel a curtain of hair over my back. I wish I could just slip it off. And I look in the mirror and I see a frightened little girl. I thought my emotions were dead and I was better off without them. But I feel each and every one of them. I feel scared. I feel uncertain. I miss people. I miss home. And I feel…other things too.”
He pressed his hands into his legs. “I feel so scared to even think it, as though the world will shatter if I form the words.”
“Think what?”
Jamie looked very uncomfortable. He crouched close. “Ever since the day I chanced upon your ad in the paper for a roommate and showed up at the apartment, I’ve had a huge crush on you.”
He hid his face and whimpered. Even my tenuous words left me. Speaking through his hands, he said a muffled, “I was so scared I was gay but I didn’t feel the same for any other guy. Sure, I’ve always felt a kind of companionship for Nathan but it’s just not the same thing.”
Finally, I found something to say. “What does it feel like?”
“I’ve never really been in love. Not with Carolyn or anyone. But when I was near you, I knew, no matter if we fought, no matter how stupid I was, that it would be okay, that you were there and that made everything alright. You were like a warm bath. I’d just drink in the feeling when you were in the apartment. I didn’t want to go anywhere else.”
“Do you feel it now?”
He was quiet and his feet fidgeted a bit. I couldn’t see his face, but he looked embarrassed. “I feel…something. I mean…I never ever wanted to do anything weird with you. When you touch me though…I feel really nice. I imagine you hugging me and holding me close. I imagine you smiling at me. And I feel warm…”
He pressed his face and groaned. I slipped my hand away. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean I imagine intense brotherly feelings might not be too far from that. I don’t have a brother and all but…” I trailed off. I was trying, but in my experience that sort of feeling only seemed tied to romantic feelings.
I tried a different tact. “Listen. You are my friend and it doesn’t bother me a bit. I mean I never really had any close relationships with the opposite sex. I hung out with Carolyn and people from my job sometimes. But mostly it was just you, Nathan, and my family.”
“Do you remember your family yet?”
It was the same, hazy details as before. Jamie didn’t remember any more either. I felt like I was doing a pretty poor job of consoling him.
I assured him. “We will figure it out and we will be okay.”
“How?”
“I don’t know yet.”
He looked at me. “You’re really still my friend after hearing that?”
“Of course.”
“What’s wrong with you? Who would ever want to be a friend of such a messed up guy like me?”
I shrugged and said, “I want to be.”
He sighed. “Well, I guess whatever sexual issues won’t matter for very long. It’s not as fatal for girls to hug and be affectionate to one another.”
“We don’t even know how things are in this world.”
“Well, Reiko and Sumi seem to be keeping things private but Carolyn looked fine.”
“You really think those two are…involved?” I didn’t want to assume, although there was mounting evidence to that.
Jamie shrugged. “It’d make sense. But then not much makes sense around here, so I dunno.”
A light wind was flowing back towards the opening of the path. “Come on. We should get back for breakfast. It looked good.”
“I don’t know if I can eat. I just feel…like nothing will help. Like I’m in a mechanism that’s barreling down a hill and I can’t stop it. I really don’t want to be a girl, no matter if it makes my feelings for you less weird. I just want to be me, safe in my skin.”
Remembering my dream and feeling the same questions in my thoughts, I offered to Jamie, as much to myself, the words, “I’m just a listener. All I can tell you is…do what you can. Figure out where you fit now. Keep sight of who you are and who you want to be. You have to set goals.”
“You’re starting to sound like Miki. Eh. I feel so helpless. I can’t even gather the energy to yell anymore. I can’t make a plan. The books make no sense to me. I’m no scientist who can open up wormholes. If none of the girls are the one responsible all this then what can we do? I’d question Carolyn but she seems to know less than we do. Maybe I can just hide and it all will ease off and forget about me in time…”
I squeezed Jamie’s shoulder. “But I won’t forget about you. Alright, you need something? I got something. You’re gonna help me clean Ami’s room. You’re gonna help me track down mysteries and piece together problems. You’re going to help. We’re going to work things out. And we’re also going to enjoy things every once in a while.”
Jamie looked surprised and that last one sounded weird even to me. But I remembered the vision of city at night, the smells, the sensations, the experiences. I thought, if we really were doomed to some fate, if we truly were being digested by some greater force, then what purpose did it serve to sit around and languish in solemn sadness till we eroded away to nothing? Feeling, fighting, hitting things, moving, being in contact with that world was not only better than listless despair but it might well be able to free us or reveal the secrets.
I pointed out all this to Jamie with a calm passion, an urgency to break his stupor. I hadn’t had much success when Nathan lost his mother’s face. That was a group effort and affected by Ami passing out. Now, it was just me. This had to work. I put all my effort into it and sat back to observe the results.
The surprise slowly ebbed away from Jamie’s face. He straightened his back and let his hands fall at his sides. He let out a breath, uttered a cute little curse, and said, “You’re right. This won’t beat me. And heck, even if it does, I’ll show it. I’ll make it wish it’d never caught me. I’ll give it the biggest load of indigestion you’ve ever seen.”
He rose to his feet, his fists clenched tight, then staggered backward a little. I stood and steadied him. It took me a moment to realize I was looking down at him and he wasn’t crouching.
It didn’t deter him any. “Oh yeah? You think you can beat me just by shrinking me again? It won’t work on me. We are so going to beat you!” He shook a small fist at the sky through the trees. His pants slid a little and his shirt looked loose. They didn’t slip off though. His shoes looked even looser than mine. And I figured I was next for a final reduction.
Jamie brushed his long hair back and checked things. He said a soft, “It’s alright. I can find some kids clothes. Back to being small again. Do I look decent? Nothing falling off?”
I looked him over. He looked like a girl trying to wear her boyfriend’s too-large clothes. I decided not to mention that thought. I just said, “You look fine.”
He brushed hair out of his eyes. “I can’t get over my face though. I can’t get over your face either. How are the cuts on your arms?” I checked them. I peeled back a band-aid. The skin underneath looked perfect. I rubbed it. No scratches. I pinched the flesh to prompt bleeding. Nothing. I pulled off another band-aid. The same.
I rolled the band-aids up into one wad and rubbed my arms. He touched my arms too. “Well. At least there are some benefits to this weird place.”
I stuffed the band-aids in my pocket and looked at Jamie. He moved slowly and looked down the path of trees. “So…we head back?”
“As soon as you’re ready.”
He looked at my arm then up at my face. “Can I walk behind you?”
“Sure.”
Jamie didn’t hold my hand but he lingered in my wake as we left the pathway. The light wind pressed us onward and the area had come alive. Little kids were waiting at the bus stop. One girl with light brown hair and pink ribbons in her hair was twirling between a small group of girls and boys. She looked over at us and waved exuberantly. She bounded over and held out something for Jamie. She gave one to me too.
“The flowers are blooming! Festival!” She twirled around and laughed like Tara. The wind flowed around her but didn’t seem to disturb her a bit. She waved and rushed back to her friends by the bus stop.
We looked at what she’d given us. We’d each received a little, pink folded paper flower. The address of a shrine was written in kanji on the back. Jamie turned the flower over in his hands and then tucked it in a pocket.
He looked at me. “You know anything about a flower festival?”
“Just from anime shows. It’s a Japanese thing. I know there’s like a week when the cherry blossoms are at their best.”
“You mean those?” He pointed in the distance.
Across the hilly swells and flows of Ogawa, there were gentle points of color darting the landscape. They were in early, hesitant bloom like pale cotton candy. I saw a far off river-bank lined with specks of white which looked ready to explode.
The wind was still. The young day was warm. We walked together through relaxed clusters of travelers and drew the attention of no one. On the steps to Mecchen, I looked back across the city.
I had no reason to hope. Somewhere in my thoughts, I knew things would only get bad again. And yet, at that moment looking out at the great bloom of the sun, I didn’t care.
I was not alone.
Copyright 2006 by Sarah Jody Lathorp
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I have a question, what ages will the final forms of the "boys" be or appear to be? I don't remember you mentioning that, just final heights.
Oh, speaking of heights, I had my housemate measure me just to be certain, and I was only 5 feet 5 inches tall! That is 3 inches shorter so far! *giggle*
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